That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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