I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
