Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
