I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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