i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
