OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
