all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize