I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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