I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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