Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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