Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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