my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
