I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
