just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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