Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
