Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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