Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
