Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
