my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
