i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
God, I missed his penis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
