my phone needs a breathalizer
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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