if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
