I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
