3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I deserve this hangover.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
