Non-Jews are for practice
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
