I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
