I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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