i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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