I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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