If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
