I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize