I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize