I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
