i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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