I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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