i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You need a sexual gate keeper
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
