He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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