saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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