Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
