We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
