i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
