How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
