Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
