omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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