i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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