Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
