It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
