i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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