Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize