they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
