I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
