just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize