please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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