Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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