The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
