Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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