You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
