Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No subtext here. People are naked.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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