I can tuck mytits in my pants
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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